


Dead to Me

by danbaihe



Series: Next Door Neighbor (keep you close) [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan-centric, Broken Engagement, Chan is bad at feelings, Character Death, Death, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jisung is tired, Lee Minho | Lee Know is a Sweetheart, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Minor Character Death, Minor Drug Use, Multi, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, angst with a semi happy ending not really, hyunjin is bad at feelings, jisung is absolute shit at feelings, like jesus christ, mentions of drug use, minor alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:20:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26157940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danbaihe/pseuds/danbaihe
Summary: "Just come in.  Just for a drink.  We don't have to talk.  I just- I just don't want to be alone right now." Chaeyoung said, leaning against Jisung's rolled down window.Jisung faked a small sigh and a checking of his watch.  Why was he even faking all this?  He didn't want to go in."I'm sorry ba- Chaeyoung.  I can't.  I promised...friends I would hang out with them before I even knew about the funeral and I didn't want to cancel because I had been flaking on them so much." He lied.  In reality, he told a worried Minho and Chan he'd be home early so that they wouldn't worry too much.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Series: Next Door Neighbor (keep you close) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1822705
Comments: 15
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SO originally I was going to post this as a sequel oneshot to the first, but I'm going to write it into two parts instead because I know with school and my other works I will literally never work on it unless I post what I already have so lolol
> 
> Hyunjin is a little not completely there in this fic but its okay bc we love him
> 
> TW  
> THERE IS A SMALL MENTION OF SELF HARM AT TWO DIFFERENT POINTS IN THIS CHAPTER. PLEASE BE AWARE BEFORE READING.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Chae maybe you shouldn't-"
> 
> "They're sleeping pills." She gulped down the rest of her glass. "I'm gonna go to sleep. Care to join me?"
> 
> Jisung stared at her from the end of the couch.

When Chan dreams, he imagines himself in the center of the couch, lazily watching tv, Minho on his right side, a cat between them, Minho lazily petting the cat and Chan lazily petting Minho’s hair. On the other side of him, Jisung, his head practically in Chan’s lap, the boy wearing Minho’s sweater, curled up with the other two cats, one of them crawling on his side and the other comfortably in Jisung’s arms as he faces the screen.

The movie makes a joke.

They all laugh.

Chan looks to Minho and kisses his cheek softly and the two soon get into a joking fight of kisses, their faces being attacked by small pecks in the process. Jisung complains, but it’s not because they’re doing it, it’s because he wants in. Minho leans down and kisses Jisung’s own cheeks, and Jisung is laughing.

Chan is watching them fondly, but his smile drops once he sees the ring on Jisung’s finger.

It matches his and Minho’s- it’s from the same set.

Then he wakes up, feeling sweaty, confused, comfortable…

...and he glances to Minho, who’s half curled around him, and he feels guilty.

"Man I don't imagine me passing my finals in my future soon. My bio class is so fucking hard I might just skip." Chaeyoung murmured, groaning as she closed her locker.

"And go where? Lisa's place? Her roommate would catch on immediately and be pissed." Jennie snorted, shaking her head.

"No, I wouldn't in a million years. I guess I'll just suffer." Chaeyoung sighed, yawning.

"Anyways. Have you seen the boys recently? I know Jisung is studying hard but Kai? Jin?" Chaeyoung asked, checking her phone to see if anyone had texted her. No one had. Jennie nodded. "It's sweet how hard he's trying to check in on me but we talked about it. He's thinking of doing study groups with me and a few other friends." Jennie said, and Chaeyoung nodded. "That's nice."

"Seokjin's mom is taking him somewhere for the weekend when we were supposed to hang out with his department's golden boys so instead I'm gonna go with Lisa to the skate park. You know. The one Hyunjin and Jisung go to." Jisoo said.

"Do you know how to skate?"

"Roller"

"Eh, I guess if you can take those to the park you'll be fine." Chaeyoung snorted. "Where for lunch?"

"Kind of craving meat. Can I just get a sandwich and call it good?" Jennie asked, Jisung popping in with the group. "Hey losers. Seungmin wanted to take me to McDonald's and he said I could invite, and I quote, 'your weirdly tall girlfriend and her weirdly stereotypical friends.' His words, not mine." Jisung said, narrowly avoiding Chaeyoung's hand aiming for his head. "Yeah sure." She said nonchalantly. "Kind of want sprite."

"Cool, now hurry up, we've already wasted 20 minutes of the lunch hour." Jisung said, grinning widely.

Chaeyoung couldn't help but chuckle back.

They were 17, in love, and unaware of what their future was together.

A funeral.

That's where Jisung sees Hyunjin first.

A funeral. Of all the ironies of the earth, Jisung had to be on god's bad side after Chaeyoung.

Especially if he was attending her friend's funeral.

It wasn't really a thing he expected to happen either. Jennie was such a lively person, and an influencer. She had a lot going for her, and she was even a pretty nice person. Jisung thinks Chaeyoung may have fabricated some of the truth when she told her friends what happened between her and Jisung, but it doesn't matter, no. Because now Jennie Kim was dead, and Chaeyoung had sent him a semi-long message asking him to come...and even though Jennie grew up with Chaeyoung, Jisung considered her a friend too.

Chaeyoung stood next to him, sobbing into her hands as he dejectedly looked at the casket that was already partially lowered into the grave. It was black and sleek. Classy for a dead person. Jennie would've liked it. At least she lays in something she would've liked.

He hadn't talked to Chaeyoung for a little over a year, but when he met her before to make sure she had eaten, he almost regretted it. In a matter of seconds, the man had fallen back into his old habits, making sure she was okay and buying her food. She had lost a lot of weight, and looked like she barely managed to put herself together for the funeral. She looked sick. Like depressed sick. How Jisung used to look.

And now, here she was, her hair color the most vibrant against shades of black, even the grass and tombstones looking muted and dull in color. It was raining too, which added to the dampened feeling. Jisung knew he would regret giving Chaeyoung a side hug, or letting her press into his chest to cry freely, but...she needed it. He told himself this like a mantra. She needed this. She needed this.

He only saw the other man for a second. They crossed eyes. He had long black hair slicked back, and a suit with a matching black umbrella. He stared dejectedly at Jennie's coffin, and Jisung immediately focused on how pretty the other looked. He had a mole under his eye and puffy lips. For a moment Jisung was sure he saw a flash of disgust cross the other's face before he looked up, but whatever it was disappeared quickly. Hyunjin and Jisung made eye contact, and Jisung found himself quickly looking away. He wasn't sure why. He felt the other still burning holes into the back of his head.

When they said their condolences to the family, the man with the mole under his eyes and the puffy lips was a little off to the side, watching Jisung and Chaeyoung with careful eyes as they both bowed, Jisung giving a soft and sympathetic "My condolences." Before the woman next to him murmured the same thing. Jennie's parents nodded, and hugged both, already sobbing. Chaeyoung seemed to join them, not pulling away from Jennie's mother as the elder pulled her into a tight embrace. Jisung couldn't muster tears. He's not sure why, but he couldn't.

When Chaeyoung could finally let go, Jisung led her back to his car, only glancing at the other before he got into the driver's seat, almost startling when he saw that the other man was staring right back at him.

"Just come in. Just for a drink. We don't have to talk. I just- I just don't want to be alone right now." Chaeyoung said, leaning against Jisung's rolled down window.

Jisung faked a small sigh and a checking of his watch. Why was he even faking all this? He didn't want to go in.

"I'm sorry Chaech- Chaeyoung. I can't. I promised...friends I would hang out with them before I even knew about the funeral and I didn't want to cancel because I had been flaking on them so much." He lied. In reality, he told a worried Minho and Chan he'd be home early so that they wouldn't worry too much.

He was awkward with Chaeyoung. He didn't know how to act. Muscle memory told him to go in with her, drink some wine with her. Indulge her until he could go home. Exhaustion and the toll on his mental health today already screamed at him to go home, shower, and let the cats take his soul and body and lay on him in positions so comfortable he would never willingly move again. Maybe even hugs from Chan and Minho too.

"It's just for half an hour. It's already late, at least wait until the rain passes." Chaeyoung said. The sky was getting slightly darker, and if they stayed out much longer, they would be soaking wet and in the dark.

"Fine. But I'm going in 30 minutes okay? As soon as the rain lets up, I'm leaving." He said, and Chaeyoung bit her lip but nodded.

That's how the two ended up in her vacation home living room, Jisung sprawled on one end of a couch, and Chaeyoung on the opposite end of the sitting area, in a chair of her own, the two hazardously holding wine glasses in their hands. Jisung because he had just set his phone down after texting Minho and Chan letting them know he would be home late, and Chaeyoung because she had tucked her feet into her chair and couldn't bring herself to lift the glass to her mouth while staring out at the pouring rain.

Slowly, he saw her take a sip. Her hands were bone-thin, the promise ring Jisung had given her in highschool now loose around her ring finger, where it used to fit perfectly.

"You know I was almost with her when she died." Chaeyoung broke the silence.

Jisung kept it. After it stretched on, she decided to continue. Jisung decided with the way she sat in her black dress, she looked almost as dead as Jennie actually was. He was concerned.

"She...she wanted to go on a vacation with me and the girls. Usually I say yes, but Lisa had an acting gig and work was piling up for me so, I declined. Jisoo ended up not being able to go because she twisted her ankle. It was supposed to be this beautiful mountain range you could climb up, and groups were recommended because...cause you'd fall…". She trailed off. She let the silence stretch on as she took another sip of her wine, twirling the bottom slightly when she finished.

She inhaled and looked down at her lap.

"The worst part is...that's not even how she died you know? It was on the way home, a truck driver straight into her car and pushed it off the mountain road. How fucked up is that?" Chaeyoung couldn't help but laugh. It was bitter. "She took all those precautions on the mountain for nothing." Chaeyoung said.

"If we had been there...or pushed back the date...so...so all of us could go...I know it wouldn't have happened. I just know it." Chaeyoung murmured, shaking her head. She reached into her bag and took out a pill bottle, shakily opening it before popping a couple into her mouth.

"Chae maybe you shouldn't-"

"They're sleeping pills." She gulped down the rest of her glass. "I'm gonna go to sleep. Care to join me?"

Jisung stared at her from the end of the couch.

He's not sure how he ended up laying across from her, staring at her in her king sized bed, his pants and button up still on as she still wore her black dress. They had their hands both under their pillow, just staring at each other. It was now thundering outside, Jisung and Chaeyoung's faces temporarily lit with lightning before a loud thunder rumbled.

It was silent, the only sounds being the thundering outside, and their breathing, Chaeyoung’s slightly slower than Jisung. They couldn't stop staring at each other, neither even bothering to jump when thunder sounded and lightning clapped.

"Can you stay?" She asked.

"I should go." Was his reply.

"Okay." She was perfectly on beat, almost like it was automatic. Jisung realized it was something they used to jokingly do when one of them had classes or work for the day.

Around five minutes had passed, and Jisung saw no change in Chaeyoung's stare.

"How long do those sleeping pills take to have effect?" He asked.

"A few minutes." She responded.

"Okay."

It's funny, because out of the two of them, he was the one to fall asleep first.

When he woke up, at 2:43 AM, it was still pouring outside.

“I’m home!” Jisung yelled, taking off his shoes with ease and setting his bag down. He picked up Soonie with ease, the cat curling into his neck slightly as he carried her to the couch.

“You know, when you said you’d be home late, I did not think you meant the next morning.” Chan commented, yawning as he shuffled into the hall. He was greeted to the sight of one Han Jisung in a crumpled suit, with a cat in his arms, looking tired and like he wanted to cry.

“Hey bub. How you doing today?” Chan asked, sitting on the arm of the couch (despite Minho getting on his case about it multiple times), and gently running his fingers through Jisung’s hair.

“Oh you know. Probably ready to drop everything for someone who hasn’t shown they’ve really cared for me like ever but i’m really worried and it’s gonna eat at me alive all day.” Jisung grumbled, and Chan gave a small sound of what may have been sympathy. “That bad? Anything I can do to help?” He asked, and Jisung used that opportunity to pull out the puppy dog eyes.

“Cuddles?”

“You look comfortable with the cat.”

“I want to little spoon.”

“...on the couch?”

“I don’t care where.”

“Okay, can you at least change then love? That suit doesn’t look very comfortable and you’ve been wearing it for almost two days now.”

“Yeah.”

It took Jisung a little too long to change, but only because he felt disgusting enough about being in a suit for that long that he ended up taking a shower, and then he dissociated because he had been thinking about all the bad decisions he had made in the past 24 hours. He should’ve just left after the funeral. He should’ve just fucking left but he’s so...bothered? No, Chaeyoung could never irritate him like that, even at his and her worst. So...so confused? No. He knew what he was doing was going to pull him further into a hole he didn’t need to fall down again.

“Hey bub.” Jisung blinked and looked up to see Chan leaning against the doorway, patting JIsung’s back gently to get his attention. “You okay? I’ve been watching you stare in the mirror for five minutes now.”

“I’m okay.” Was Jisung’s quiet response, the younger realizing he doesn’t even remember getting changed fully, but it must’ve happened because he was there, fully clad in sweatpants and what was probably Chan or Minho’s hoodie. He doesn’t really know, he just knows that he stole it from their closet and that it is now his until it needs to be washed.

Chan led Jisung to his and Minho’s room, Jisung simply flopping down onto the bed and hearing a groan from under him.

“Did I just fall onto your husband?”

“Yeah but it needed to happen anyways the man likes to suffocate under the covers when he sleeps, like a heathen.” Chan scoffed before moving back some of the covers, waiting for Jisung to wriggle on top of MInho for two minutes as he tried to get under the blanket with minimal effort before Minho basically pulled him under, earning a surprised scream from Jisung. Chan laughed at the other’s terror before he crawled under the covers himself, and suddenly Jisung was effectively sandwiched between two pro cuddlers. Seriously, Chan has the arms of an octopus and Minho just tends to directly cling onto the thing closest to him, which happened to be Jisung.

The youngest could already feel his eyes start to droop as he laid comfortably between the other two, yawning slightly.

“Are you sleepy bub?” MInho murmured, head kind of on Jisung’s chest, but mostly in his neck.

“Yeah. I didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

“I bet. Funerals are taxing.”

Jisung scoffed slightly. “Funerals have nothing on Chaeyoung.” He mumbled, eyes now closed and the man about to drift off to sleep.

“What?” It was Chan who spoke this time, raising his head up slightly so that he could stare at Jisung with a look of disappointment and confusion with the one eye he managed to crack open.

“Yeah. I don’t know what I was thinking it’s just like? I didn’t really know anyone else besides their friend group and Jennie’s parents and I just…? She looks so sick now Chan, I’m really worried.” And just like that, Jisung spilled his guts telling the very people he was trying to avoid telling about his run in with his ex-fiance.

“I get that bub but...you spent the night at her house?” Chan asked, and Jisung frowned. “Not on purpose.” He mumbled, and Chan sighed.

“It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes.” He said, head hitting the pillow again and hugging JIsung slightly tighter before drifting off to sleep. Before Jisung himself succumbed to slumber, he couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t ...it wasn’t a mistake.

“Ah. Hello everyone, I’m sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve uploaded anything, as you guys know I’ve been mourning the death of my cousin so...yeah. Haha, anyways.” The male cleared his throat as he looked away from the camera and screen.

“Today I guess is gonna be another one of my dance vlogs, since I don’t really have anything besides old videos prepared for an unexpected hiatus like this one...and none of them are dance, so, I figured this would be good to do, yeah?” He smiled slightly. “I’m also live streaming since it’s been awhile, so I guess The youtube video will be mostly edited clips of the stream.” He chuckled slightly before looking at the comments.

“Jinnie, has your english been getting any better?” He read a comment out loud, and he couldn’t help but give a small smile.

“I’m not sure. I’ve been practicing, but sometimes study goes over my head.” He said, in English, very slowly, thinking about the pronunciation before daring to say anything. “Did I do okay?” He asked in Korean, immediately laughing at the immediate praise he received.

“Okay, okay, let’s get started. I have the basis of a choreo for a song...It’s super simple so far, but I’ve really only worked hard on the footwork so far, and I only have some idea of where I want my arms to go- and timing is still a problem because it’s got a off-beat move right before an on-beat move in multiple parts...because the song is...that type of song that you can get away with that you know?” He gave up trying to explain and rolled his eyes. “Okay.” He clapped his hands. “Let’s just get into it.”

Two hours later, and a basically complete choreography, Hyunjin was walking out of the dance studio with his duffel bag slung on his shoulder as he checked through his phone for notifications, ignoring messages from his family and from Jennie’s friends. It’s funny how sweet she was to them. How she would smile at her parents and offer to do some chore just to look good in front of the family for dinner that night. Or how she was always setting things up for her friends. Everyone had these amazing, playful, cheerful memories of Jennie, and it made Hyunjin want to puke.

He didn’t notice how he collided with a guy trying to go through the door to a cafe until it was too late. He fell forward, letting out a loud “shit!”, while the other seemed to yell a similar cuss word as he went crashing back, and for a moment, Hyunjin let the floor take him. Who cared if he was in pain, at least he had a possibility of getting a head injury and forgetting half of his childhood and-

“Are you okay? Oh my god, hello, hello? Oh my god can someone please-”

“I’m fine.” Hyunjin said, loud and clear as his eyes snapped open. He was still lying on the ground. He gave himself a couple of more seconds before he felt the wood, raising his hands slowly, before pressing down on the floor and getting up. It looked robotic almost, like he wasn’t real.

“Ah...that’s good at least- I’m sorry I was just trying to open the door and I didn’t realize we were going in the same direction and-”

“You’re fine. Don’t worry about it.” Hyunjin said, quickly smiling at the other. He was cute. Had a good sense of style. A long coat with a white shirt tucked into a pair of black slacks. Platform dr. martens. Obviously this cute boy is Hyunjin’s soulmate and he needs his number immediately.

“Hey- why don’t we buy each other drinks to make up for it? I’ll get you something to eat too, if you want.” He said, chuckling and smiling. The shorter seemed to beam at that.

“I will never say no to free food.”

“You’re technically paying for my drink but okay.”

Five minutes later, two iced americanos between them (honestly, Hyunjin is considering marrying this man on the spot), and a plate holding two slices of cake, they’re laughing about a funny article they both saw online and trying to calm down enough to speak.

“Hey! Wait I actually know you!” Jisung snapped his fingers. For a moment Hyunjin’s breath stilled and he hoped he didn’t run into a crazy fan or something- but it would be cute if he was just a regular fan because Hyunjin would totally date him-

“You- I saw you at the funeral.” Jisung said, and Hyunjin simply stared at Jisung, holding his breath still, before forcing himself to basically gasp for air. Hyunjin gave a polite smile. “Yeah...uh...You’re Chae’s fiance right?” He said, searching his brain for the other’s face.

“Haha...uhm...no.” The younger looked at his cup, giving a bit of a reminiscent smile. He then frowned. 

“We broke up...a while ago. But, you know, I- well, I was acquaintances with Jennie? I didn’t really know her well, and part of me is like ‘you would never fucking know her well she’s your ex’s friend and your ex is a mess’, but like, I dunno I knew her enough to be invited by her family and Chae so I went, you know? Is that weird?” Jisung asked, laughing a little awkwardly.

“Honestly...no that makes sense. I’m Jennie’s cousin.” Hyunjin kept smiling. “I don’t have a good track record with Jennie but we did practically grow up next door to each other. It’s one of those things I just can’t ignore you know? No matter how much I want to.” He said, and Jisung nodded. “Yeah I get that. I feel like if I could ignore a lot more, life would be so much easier to handle. And yet, I don’t even let go of stuff that’s months old.” He said, laughing and shaking his head.

Hyunjin chuckled with him. “I got you- yeah. It’s like that sometimes.”

And maybe, for a split second, Hyunjin remembered Jennie pushing him down into the closet of his own room, and kicking him before slamming it shut. Anger had been the only thing on her face then.

Chan was having one of those days where he couldn’t think straight. His thoughts were eating at him alive and he was doing what he knew how to do best: avoid them.

He had a couple of free days recently, but he had been coming to the studio anyway just to get his mind off of his dreams, his thoughts, his feelings…

Yeah, there’s some shit he just should keep buried under piles and piles of everything else and no one should ever find it ever because that’s how chan wants it.

“Chan, dude, are you okay?” Changbin asked, poking his head into the studio.

“Uh, fine.” Chan jumped, knocking over his phone. “Fine.” he repeated as he bent over and picked it up. “You need something?” He asked, quickly collecting his bag and phone as he shut his computer off.

“No I was just grabbing my jacket- I think I left it here somewhere. Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.” Changbin said, chuckling awkwardly as he bowed slightly, Chan shaking his head. 

“You’re fine, I was just leaving-”

“Chan, are you sure you’re okay? You’re shaking a lot.” Changbin said, and Chan glanced to his hands. He was so anxious! Over a dream! This was ridiculous.

“Can I uh...hang out at your place for a little bit?” Chan asked, glancing to Changbin, who hesitantly nodded.

“Uh, yeah, you’re always welcome in my home dude. Let’s go.” He said, holding the door open for the other.

“I’m home!” Jisung called, knowing Minho was at least still at the house. “In the kitchen!” Minho yelled, confirming Jisung’s suspicions. He quickly took off his shoes, and set his bag down, petting a hyperactive Dori quickly before heading into the kitchen.

“Do you want lunch?” Minho asked. “I’m grilling for dinner but I was going to make spaghetti for lunch- Chan finally got those American noodles. The ones I asked for like two weeks ago?” Minho said, and Jisung nodded at the memory. “Spaghetti sounds nice. Thank you hyung.” He said, yawning slightly and covering it with his hand.

“I ran into someone today- he is- was- Jennie’s cousin. He’s really nice, we exchanged numbers and ended up chatting. We’re meeting again in a few days.” Jisung said, and Minho raised an eyebrow.

“What’s his name?” Minho asked, and Jisung hummed. “Hwang Hyunjin.” He said, sounding it out slowly as he popped a strawberry in his mouth. There had been a bowl on the table.

“The dancer?” Minho asked, raising his eyebrows.

“What?” Jisung asked, raising his eyebrows. He reached for his phone.

“I doubt it.” Jisung quickly said, before scrolling through his phone.

“Search up uh...I think it’s jinniedances or something like that?”

Jisung did as the other said and a link to instagram popped up. He clicked it, only to see the man he had talked to in the cafe earlier that day.

“Yeah- yeah this is him- holy shit he’s a dancer?” Jisung asked, shock written across his face. Minho laughed.

“Yeah- he’s a good one. We were in a group together for a few months for a performance and he’s brilliant. He works well with a group too.” Minho leaned against the counter, taking a break from his activities as he looked onto Jisung’s screen.

“He’s handsome.” Jisung commented.

“Yeah he is.” Minho grinned. “Didn’t realize he was Jennie’s cousin though. Maybe look through her old account highlights? I’m sure they had to pop up somewhere in each other’s accounts.” He offered, and Jisung nodded. He searched up Jennie’s old account and sighed slightly when it loaded onto his screen. One of the top three pictures was one with Chaeyoung...she looked really happy then. A lot more lively and put together for sure. Jisung shook the thought from his mind as he went to look through all the highlights she had on her profile still.

He found a series of pictures.

The first one was a video, and they were in a dark lit room. Jennie was laughing at something, and Hyunjin was next to her, laughing as well, but it felt fake. He looked uncomfortable.

Jisung clicked onto the next photo of who he assumed to be Hyunjin, blocking his face from the camera. It was a flash photo and his pose looked genuine. Not staged at all. It also looked...like a bit of an extreme reaction? He was hunched over in an oversized white sweater. Hmm.

The next photo was a selfie of Hyunjin and Jennie. His hair was slicked back, blonde, and he was wearing blue eye contacts. Jennie had black hair in a similar hair style, and they were wearing opposite outfits. Jisung wouldn’t have been surprised if Hyunjin modeled for something with her. He got chills down his spine looking at the picture. They were both expressionless, but something about the angle Hyunjin was at...it was like he didn’t want to be anywhere near Jennie. But maybe he’s overanalyzing fashion or something, who knows.

Something screaming at the back of his mind told him that wasn’t the case.

Hyunjin hated Jennie. Hyunjin hated Jennie’s friends. He never liked her, and he thought he was completely valid to. She was a piece of shit behind this mask she had crafted of her being the perfect friend, daughter, and general person. Hyunjin seethed the more he thought about it.

Now, he had her friends messaging him, offering to talk about it if he wanted, some just wanting Jennie’s possessions, which he wouldn’t be able to give them anyways, or some just messaged to make a new friend. Because apparently Hyunjin and Jennie being from the same bloodline means they act the exact fucking same. It was bullshit.

He smoked on his balcony. He smoked to relieve himself of stress, sometimes he did it to remind himself he could physically feel. He did it on his balcony, because, well, he didn’t want his apartment to smell. He picked up a glass of red wine he had poured for himself and exhaled the smoke from his lungs before sipping from the glass, looking out at the view he had of the city.

God how he fucking hated the city. It wasn’t just the idea of a city, in that regard he liked the city, and enjoyed it. But he hated this city. He hated it with a living fucking passion. All this city had for him was built up hate and Hyunjin was sick and tired of it. He took another drag before setting his wine glass down on the outside table, staring at the cigarette between his two fingers, before placing it between his lips. He didn’t inhale- he only placed it there so that he could roll up the sleeve of his left arm. Scars decorated his wrist like they were jewlery.

He took the cigarette out of his lips, tapped off the end, and paused, before quickly pushing the butt of the cigarette against his arm. He screamed out, hunching over but forcing his hand to stay still. When the brunt of the pain was gone, he exhaled shalily, throwing the cigarette over the balcony. His hand latched onto the railing, the man still breathing heavily. He closed his eyes and gave his body a minute to recuperate. As soon as he was composed enough, he stood up straight, sniffing as he rolled down his sleeve.

He calmly took the wine back in his hand, taking a sip as he looked over the view of the city.

Hyunjin hated Jennie.

Chan was sobbing uncontrollably in Changbin’s arms, the other awkwardly patting his friend on the back. It wasn’t an issue of men crying or anything like that, Chan was just not much of a public crier, and Changbin has known him for years. This is the second time he’s ever seen him cry in the time that he’s known him, so yeah, it’s a little worrying.

Especially when he hears the reason.

Chan feels *guilty* for having a crush on Jisung, because he’s married. Okay, that makes sense, that’s fair.

Chan feels *guilty* for liking jisung, because he still likes Minho.

It wasn’t that Chan felt he was just betraying a marriage contract, no, he felt like he was betraying the man he had already told he loved. Who knew he loved him.

Changbin didn’t know what to do. He didn’t think this is something Chan would’ve cried about, but Chan also is a very lowkey emotional person, so Changbin could kind of see why something like this would get Chan so upset.

But, Changbin had also known Minho for years, and knew this wasn’t something Minho would be bothered by. Maybe a little jealous at first, but he’s the one married to Chan.

...Which is why Changbin sent Minho a text explaining why Chan wasn’t home the past few days.

He felt mildly guilty intruding in on their lives like this, but Chan would forgive him. And Minho probably needed to know anyways.

His phone buzzed and he picked it up before Chan could even register that Changbin got a notification, rubbing circles into the other’s back as he checked the message in response.

Lee Minho:  
OH THANK GOD IT WASN’T JUST ME I FELT SO GUILTY ABT IT

Changbin laughed. They’re a stupid kind of dumb.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you love her still?”
> 
> Yes.
> 
> “No.”
> 
> “But you cared about her still.”
> 
> Yes.
> 
> “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR DEATH TW. Four people die in the chapter. Two by suicide. Don't read if you're heavily triggered.

_CHAN, JISUNG_

_JISUNG:_ Hey, Chan. Sorry to bother you super late, but I was supposed to check on Chaeyoung and bring her some of her stuff from when we were living together. Not only did I, stupidly, leave it all on the counter, but also it seems like I’m gonna be at work for a bit longer. Can you please drop it off? Sorry if it’s too much to ask.

_CHAN:_ Of course I can Jisung. I’ll drop it off for you.

_JISUNG:_ Thank you hyung.❤️ I’ll come back home in an hour or two. I owe you one.

_CHAN:_ You don’t owe me anything. Seriously. It’s okay.

Chan will bend over backwards for his friends. It’s the kind of person he is. Minho was already asleep as well, so, it’s not like he had anything planned for the night. He worried slightly for Jisung’s sleep schedule, and also the fact that Jisung was actively talking to his ex, but Chan made it clear to himself both outloud and in his head that he wouldn’t interfere or make rash judgements of Jisung’s personal life. Jisung needs a bit to adjust to having a boyfriend, and even though it’s been over a year and a half since his last relationship, sometimes it takes a bit for people to adjust to things.

Plus, Jisung seemed to be doing pretty well, considering he and Hyunjin had only been dating for five months.

So, Chan, in true Chan fashion, throws on a pair of pants and a shirt, grabs the plastic bags full of what looks like mostly clothes and photo books, and throws himself and the items into the car. He checks his phone. No new notifications. The drive to Chaeyoung’s house is around fifteen minutes. He remembers from Jisung sending them the address in case he needed one of them to come pick him up or something.

Jisung must have anxiety surrounding relationships, maybe.

It’s cold, but it’s not quite snowing yet, so Chan doesn’t think he should be worrying about snow tires or chains until later in the week, maybe. The evening is a weird blue gray, but Chan kind of likes it. It’s nothing like Australian summer, the sun aggressively kissing your cheeks, and the wind flying through your hair, but South Korean winter has its own kind of charm, and Chan can appreciate it.

Chan pulls up to Chaeyoung’s house, and the first thing he thinks is that it’s so...Chaeyoung. He vaguely remembers their talks when they came over for dinner- you know, before Chaeyoung was revealed to be a not so great person. Chan thinks it’s a shame, too, because at first she seemed really kind. Chan still had trouble wrapping his head around it.

Oh well, he should get this over with.

He walked up to the door with the bags in hand, speaking loudly despite not wanting to talk much at all.

“Chaeyoung?” He called through the door. “I have your stuff. Jisung asked me to drop it off.” He called.

No response.

“Okay.” He called out. He looked around. There was not an easily noticeable doorbell anywhere in sight, so instead, he tried for good old fashion knocking.

“Hello- oh!” Chan jumped back in surprise as the door pushed back from his knocking. The door had been open? How had he not noticed?

“Chaeyoung?” He asked cautiously. He had a bad gut feeling. “Hello?” He called out. No reply.

The house was dark. Despite the back being mostly window panels, it just cast an odd gray look over what wasn’t covered by shadows. Chaeyoung must’ve been a bit of an architect nerd or something. It didn’t look lived in.

“Chaeyoung? Hello?”

A normal person would leave the bags and go.

Maybe call the cops immediately and wait outside.

Jisung asked Chan to check in AND drop her stuff off.

It’s okay.

This is gonna be okay. She’ll just be depression napping or something.

And so, Chan starts ascending the stairs, just to see if he can locate Chaeyoung.

“Chaeyoung? Hello? Jisung asked me to drop off some of your stuff.”

Only one door was slightly ajar, and it was to the bathroom. Chan had a bad gut feeling.

He kept walking anyway.

He walked to the slightly ajar door, slowly nudging it open. The light was off.

“Chaeyoung?” He asked, slowly feeling for the light and turning it on.

It took Chan’s eyes a moment to adjust. The bathroom was huge. He was facing the sink.

He saw in the mirror above it that there was something in the tub, and against his immediate better judgement, he turned around.

Chaeyoung.

In a tub.

A bottle of pills spilled on the floor and the bathwater a light pink.

She’s in a nightgown, dark blue. Chan knew she was sick, from what Jisung told her. That she looked it. Looked like life had been awful to her. Now he knew what Jisung was talking about.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of her as he covered his mouth, exhaling shakily, eyes wide.

What the fuck.

This is a dead person.

A person who is deceased in their bathtub.

What the fuck. What the fuck.

Chan managed to fish out his phone from his pocket and dial emergency services pretty efficiently for someone whose mid-panic attack and shaking too much to really do anything.

“Hello, this is South Korea’s emergency responders-”

“S- Someone’s dead. Like fucking dead. Like commited suicide dead.”

“...alright sir, where are you right now?”

It’s ironic, how bad of a red flag a funeral is. Okay, meeting your boyfriend at a funeral not knowing he was going to be your boyfriend is one thing.

Attending the funeral of your ex-fiance while hand in hand _with_ said boyfriend is an entirely different ordeal.

A few months had passed since they first met.

A few months of cycles of experiencing each other’s worst and best states all in the matter of a few months.

Jisung could feel himself spiraling again.

He hadn’t talked to Chan since the night where he came home to Chan shell-shocked and Minho scared and worried. He didn’t really register the words the police said to him that night.

That Chaeyoung was dead.

That she had committed suicide.

She was such a...the type of person she was wasn’t someone who would commit suicide.

Jisung had no idea what drove her to do it. He had no idea what was the final straw. When he checked in she didn’t seem totally fine but like, she didn’t seem any worse than usual- what could he have missed-

“Jisung.” Hyunjin whispered, holding his hand tight.

Jisung was glad Hyunjin was here. Hyunjin didn’t handle death well at all. Whereas Jisung was emotional, Hyunjin was numb. Jisung was sad, looking at Chaeyoung’s body lowered into a grave. Hyunjin felt nothing. He didn’t even really know her. And with the people he did know, Like Jennie, he still couldn’t bring himself to really properly react.

Jisung wanted to wallow. To think. Let it sit that they could be married in an alternate dimension.

Hyunjin, Jisung’s strict and unappealing voice of reason, told him to move on. Chaeyoung was a cheater and an alcoholic who abused over the counter medicine. She would be missed. She would be forgotten. Eventually.

It was the first time Jisung saw Chan since that night.

Dressed in a black suit, staring numbly at the coffin.

He felt dejavu from when he first saw Hyunjin.

He hated it.

He wondered why Minho wasn’t with Chan. He had been that first night. Minho was Chan’s voice of reason. Did something happen? Did they get into an argument?

“How do you cope?” Jisung once asked Hyunjin.

“I fantasize about either dying or running away and being broke on the streets of Paris.” Hyunjin said, half joking, half serious. They were watching the sun set on Hyunjin’s balcony.

“Anything physical?” Jisung asked, glancing briefly to Hyunjin’s arm.

“Nothing that you’d want to try.” Hyunjin responded. Jisung agreed.

“I’m not...I’m not super depressed. I know what super depressed feels like. It’s awful. I hate it. I think right now I’m just kind of...numb. Like I can’t really comprehend the woman I could’ve possibly spent my entire life with is now dead.” Jisung tells him once, when they’re looking out at the stars on the beach side. It’s starting to get colder.

“Do you miss her?” Hyunjin asked.

Hyunjin, his boyfriend. Hyunjin, who he shouldn’t admit these things to.

“I missed her even when she was alive.” He said.

“Did you love her still?”

Yes.

“No.”

“But you cared about her still.”

Yes.

“Yes.”

Hyunjin wasn’t once for advice. He told what he thought. Tonight was no exception as they laid on a blanket together, legs tangled, Jisung slowly drinking from his first beer can while Hyunjin was on his second.

“She’s dead. There’s no reason to care about someone who’s gone. When she was alive she caused you pain. Don’t give her the ability to do it after death, too.” He said, nonchalantly drinking the rest of his beer.

“Okay.” Jisung said, taking a few sips. It felt bitter hitting his tongue.

“I’ll stop caring.

_CHAN, JISUNG_

_CHAN:_ Hey. Is it okay if we meet up?

_JISUNG:_ Of course. Me and Hyunjin are actually out by the cafe downtown right now, it you’re out.

_CHAN:_ That’s perfect. I’m at the library nearby.

_JISUNG:_ Great. Let’s meet in front of it.

Jisung had a feeling this was gonna go horribly. He didn’t know why. Chan looked nervous, Hyunjin looked uncomfortable. Both tended to lash out when upset, even if it wasn’t often.

“Uhm…” Jisung cleared his throat awkwardly. “Hi Channie. I missed you. A lot. Sorry I didn’t come visit or anything. I...I should’ve. I really should’ve.” He murmured, looking nervous. It’s almost like he didn’t just _freak out_ and leave Chan when he needed him the most. He’s awful. He’s horrible. He doesn’t cope with anything well and left Chan in the dust.

“It’s okay.” Chan said. He sounded genuine. Jisung wanted to believe it. He really wanted to. He didn’t.

“It’s not. I mean...I...It’s not. I freak out badly, and I just left you. It’s not okay.” Jisung said, shivering a little from the cold.

“No- it’s okay Jisung. I would’ve too- I uhm...they showed me the pictures.” He trailed off, getting quieter. Oh fuck.

“You found her.” Jisung said, voice quiet.

“I don’t mean to break this up...and I’m sorry for interrupting...but what is this about?” Hyunjin asked cautiously, still nervous.

“What?” Chan asked, looking up. “Seriously?”

“What?” Hyunjin asked, flinching at the tone in Chan’s voice. Where was Minho? Did something happen to Minho?

“I mean, we were grieving over his _dead_ ex, it’s kind of rude, is all.”

“I didn’t mean for it to be.” Hyunjin’s tone didn’t sound apologetic, it sounded like he was about to fight someone. Jisung didn’t like it. “I was just wondering if you called us out in the middle of cold winter for us to grieve about her.” He said. Fuck. This looked bad. Jisung knew Hyunjin didn’t deal with death well, but Chan didn’t know that. Hyunjin was coming off as insensitive.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? That’s still kind of fucked up to interrupt regardless. Didn’t your mom ever teach you manners?”

Fuck. Was Chan more aggravated than normal? What happened? Where’s Minho? Should he call Minho? Changbin?

“Don’t talk about my fucking upbringing.” Hyunjin’s voice was cold, but it seemed to only make whatever pseudo-argument they were having worse.

“Please- Please stop-” Jisung pleaded, getting uncomfortable that this was just happening in the middle of the street while it was snowing. Chan was pale. Hyunjin looked sick, even if he said he wasn’t. Jisung wanted to go home.

“Okay, fine. Did you not know it’s common courtesy to, I don’t know, not interrupt people while they’re mourning?”

“Did you even know her? Who are you to be upset over her?”

“I did! She was a friend of me and my husband for months before she and Jisung broke up! At least she showed some sort of empathy-”

“Are you comparing me to her!?”

“You both dated Jisung, haven’t you?”

“So because I’ve dated the same man she has I have to be less shitty than her? Of course I’m not gonna cheat on him and it was fucked up that she died but don’t compare us!”

“Guys.” Jisung was shaking. This wasn’t fun. He had pulled out his phone to text Minho and Minho wasn’t responding. What was going on? Where was Minho?

Jisung was ignored as the fight continued.

“You’re still kind of shitty, considering the few times I’ve seen you, you tend to be talking down to Jisung like he’s just someone you can control!”

They were moving closer now, and Hyunjin, who wanted to move away, opted to cross the street. There were no cars, which brought relief to Jisung. It didn’t stop his oncoming anxiety.

“Who are you to decide whether or not I’m a good boyfriend for him? He’s an adult he doesn’t need a fucking parent!”

“I’m not deciding whether or not you’re a good boyfriend, I’m saying I don’t have a good impression of you-”

“I don’t need your fucking approval, you’re not his dad-”

“Guys! Get out of the road!” Jisung screamed, anxiety growing. He was ignored. Should he go to them? They wouldn’t listen. They’re not listening now. At this rate, they’ll either get hit or get in a fight.

“Guys please get out of the road!” Jisung was begging now, starting to hyperventilate a little. He couldn’t make out their yelling voices anymore, it blurred together as he suddenly started to be able to hear _everything_ chest uncomfortably almost-tight, like it was tighter than usual, but not enough to be uncomfortable. His throat was hurting and he forced himself to look at the ground, tears welling up. He can’t cry. He can’t cry. Is he dying?

Oh god, is he dying?

So preoccupied by his thoughts, he almost missed the loud sound of an oncoming truck’s horn.

It was loud.

Why can’t he move?

What was definitely something making contact and possibly the sound of flesh meeting the front of a huge metal vehicle followed.

“No.”

Look up.

“No.” 

They stopped screaming.

“No no no no no.”

He’s still hyperventilating.

Time froze. The moments of Jisung looking up and registering what had just happened played like slow-motion, face morphing from horror, to panic, and back to horror.

“No!” Jisung screamed, running to the two men, stumbling over his own feet.

He wanted them to _stop_ , but not like this.

No no no no-

They couldn’t be dead they couldn’t be dead they couldn’t be-

A cough of blood. Chan. Chan. Fuck fuck fuck fuck-

“Channie-hyung. It’s okay. It’s okay. Please be okay.” Jisung didn’t recognize the fact that he was crying until his tears were dropping onto Chan’s body, pale skin highlighted by the blood he was now covered in. He was already dead, glossy eyes staring down the road, blood slowly pooling underneath him. Some had been spit up from just seconds before, when he had been _alive_ , and now it looked almost like ugly splotches of dark paint that absolutely ruined anything the canvas could’ve been

Jisung ignored the feeling of the blood seeping through his jeans- or the scratches he was inevitably getting by having his knees against the gravel in the first place- limply picking up Chan’s head and placing it on his lap. And Hyunjin- oh god Hyunjin was still breathing. Despite his shirt being drenched in blood he was definitely still breathing and it was awful because he was still in pain but he definitely wouldn’t survive the wait for an ambulance.

Jisung tried his best to make the short distance of Hyunjin’s upper body from the ground to his lap painless, but from the soft grunts and panic in Hyunjin’s eyes, Jisung could tell he was shit at it.

And then the tears were free falling.

“Please stay awake.” He begged.

One of them was already dead.

“Please stay here with me.” He pleaded to anyone who was listening, ignoring the crowd that was gathering.

“Please, for the love of god just give me this one thing. Please, Please live.” He was full on crying now, cradling the two and rocking back and forth gently. He wasn’t even sure if Hyunjin was alive at this point. He’s just watched two men die in front of him.

Because of an argument about _him_.

Fuck.

“Please.” He whispered, bowing his head so that he could hold them both, tears freely falling on Hyunjin’s forehead and Chan’s chest.

“Please.” He begged.

“Jisung.”

A female voice.

His head snapped up.

Chaeyoung stood there, in the black dress she wore to Jennie’s funeral, staring at him.

“This is sad.” She said, expression unreadable.

“I know.” Jisung whispered back.

“I know, I know, I know.” He murmured, staring down at Hyunjin and Chan’s faces. Dead people were supposed to look peaceful. Chan, with his mouth gaping open and eyes widely staring off at nothing, did not look peaceful. Hyunjin’s eyebrows were slightly furrowed, and his mouth was parted slightly. He looked angry, but he definitely didn’t look peaceful.

“You look pitiful.” She said, crossing her arms.

“I know.” He murmured, exhaling. “I don’t know what to do.” He said, gripping Hyunjin and Chan tightly.

“You do.” She said back.

“No.” Jisung said. “I don’t.” He responded.

“You do!” She insisted, impatient with his response.

“No!” Was Jisung angry? Was he desperate?? He couldn’t tell.

“I don’t! This is your fault! I would never have been in this situation if I didn’t leave you!” He yelled. “If you didn’t cheat on me. If you didn’t overdose.” He was sobbing now.

“You should overdose.” Chaeyoung replied immediately, voice laced with venom. She didn’t mean it. She just wanted a reaction.

“No!”

“You’d see them again. That’s what you want, right? To indulge the boys who are obsessed with you? How far are you willing to go?”

“I didn’t know about Chan! I didn’t know about Minho! And now they’re gone!” Jisung screamed, frustrated. “I could’ve- I- Hyunjin...”

“Hyunjin is the manic pixie dream rebound because he reminded you of _me_.” Chaeyoung scoffed, walking forward and crouching down to Jisung’s level.

“Hm.” She tilted her head. “Should I slap you? Will that knock some sense into you? You’re not gonna get married. Why not join the people who died for you?” She asked, expression almost pouting. Was she mocking him?

“Why won’t you listen to me!?” Jisung screamed. “They’re _dead_ because of me!”

“Oh! So you admit it! It is your fault?”

Jisung realized he had been caught in a trap. Still clutching their bodies, his grip loosened. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he stared at her in horror.

“It’s my fault.” He whispered, shock turning into realization as his face fell.

“It’s my fault.” He whispered again, like a mantra.

“Yes. Yes that’s it.” She whispered. She was suddenly behind him, wrapping her arms around him, digging her nails into his skin.

“It’s your fault. Join them so you can apologize.” She murmured.

“If I join them...I can apologize.” He murmured, staring down at Chan and Hyunjin’s faces.

“Yes, that’s right. Join them, and apologize.”

It was like her fingers digging into him didn’t leave, stinging pain covering his body as he slowly stood from the two men now definitely dead in the middle of the road. His mind was on autopilot, the man not really taking anything in as he stumbled through the streets in the late night. Sometimes he saw Chaeyoung walking in front of him. Guiding him to the bridge. Sometimes she disappeared.

And then he was there. Looking out at the han river, wind picking up as tears rolled down his cheeks. Climbing up was a bit of an effort, but he managed.

_If I join them...I can apologize._

“If I join them, I can apologize.”

Falling through the air it was only then that he realized what he was doing. His eyes were wide open when they were once squeezed shut and he was starting to panic as the body of water got closer.

Contact with the surface _hurt_.

It was a pain that came immediately and spread immediately, and the impact caused him to open his mouth and breathe in, which caused him to immediately start drowning.

He struggled. He struggled a lot.

He didn’t manage to break the surface, and soon, it hurt too much for him to do anything because his body felt so heavy and his throat was burning despite being wet.

It was murky and pitch black.

He wasn’t sure when he lost his vision.

Maybe he tried to grab for the surface, but his ears were ringing by then and he definitely fell back.

_I can apologize._

_I can…_

The last thing he remembers is the ringing of his ears before he lost consciousness completely.

“Idiot.”

“You’re awful. Is that how you greet him?”

White. All he sees is white.

“When he’s an idiot, yeah. It is.”

Are his eyes open?

There are voices warbling through a loud ringing sound.

Where is he?

He tries to squint, but it clears nothing up.

“Just give it a second. You’re gonna see shit swim in your vision.”

Wasn’t he drowning? He should be dead.

No, he _drowned_.

He should _definitely_ be dead.

When his eyesight cleared, there were four faces staring at him. Three male. One female.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

Sorry.

_Sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha yeah can u tell this turned into a wild vent fic where I just killed everyone off?
> 
> n e ways my twt is @danbaihe if yall want to read my long shitpost threads on absolutely nothing or get updates without subscriptions bc subscriptions sometimes overwhelm u know?

**Author's Note:**

> sobs ily hyunjin im so sorry jdfngkj
> 
> n e ways haha chan brain go vroom vroom hot men huh


End file.
